Just like this, this thought sustained Chen Er through her childhood. While other kids' childhoods were always carefree and full of joy, all Chen Er had was violence and abuse.
Chen Huan didn't dare to resist their father. In her eyes, he was still that kind - hearted and caring man who had truly doted on her. She didn't want to shatter that remaining beautiful illusion.
As for Chen Er, even when she had the ability to fight back, she chose to silently bear everything their father inflicted on her. By then, Chen Huan had entered junior high school and started boarding at school. She could only go home once a week on average.
Since their father's mental state was not good, Chen Huan took the initiative to shoulder the responsibility of taking care of the family. She did laundry, cooked meals, and cleaned the house, doing everything in an orderly manner.
When Chen Huan was not at home, Chen Er did these tasks. She was quick - witted and dexterous, and she even cleaned more neatly than Chen Huan.
Chen Er never expected that by doing these things, she could gain their father's kindness and forgiveness. She had never been blessed enough to see her mother with her own eyes. All she knew about her mother was from Chen Huan's words.
"Mom was very gentle, understanding, and open - minded. She was the best mother in the world. No matter what I did, she always firmly supported and encouraged me." Chen Huan hugged Chen Er, and the two huddled in the same bed.
Chen Er stared intently at the ceiling, a flicker of hope flashing in her eyes. "Then Dad loved Mom very much too, right?"
Chen Huan sighed, her tone tinged with regret and sadness. "At that time, people all said that Mom and Dad were a model couple. Without exaggeration, Dad spoiled Mom like a little princess. It's a pity that Grandma's ideas ultimately cost Mom her life."
Chen Er let out a soft laugh and got caught in a mental dead - end. "It was me who killed Mom. If I hadn't been born, you would still be a happy family of three. Even if Grandma had made trouble and sneered at Mom for not giving birth to a son, as long as Dad loved Mom firmly enough, everything would have passed."
Chen Huan realized something was wrong. She sat up, turned Chen Er's face towards her, and let out a sigh of relief when she saw that Chen Er wasn't crying. Then, in her childish voice, she asked seriously, "You're wrong. Do you think that everything you're doing now is to atone for your sins and compensate Dad?"
Chen Er countered, "Isn't it? I'm a sinner."
"Chen Er." Chen Huan's expression turned solemn. "It's not what you think. Dad loved Mom, and Mom loved him too. She felt guilty about her husband's selfless love, so she was determined to give birth to a son to repay Dad. Your existence was what Mom hoped for."
But Chen Er didn't agree with what Chen Huan said. She turned her head, looking out of the window, and said with her back to Chen Huan, "My biggest mistake is that I'm not a boy. I let Mom down and hurt Dad."
"You..." Chen Huan was speechless. This knot in Chen Er's heart would stay there forever. She stubbornly believed that it was all her fault.
Chen Er was taciturn. She put on a thick layer of armor, keeping everyone at a distance. Her classmates in school all said that Chen Er was aloof, and the kids didn't want to play with her.
Chen Er enjoyed this lonely time alone. What she liked most was to bathe in the sun, using that warmth to dispel the cold and gloom engraved in her bones.
In class, Chen Er was like a little transparent person. No one remembered her existence, which was exactly what Chen Er hoped for. She thought she was an unlucky person and should stay away from the crowd to avoid bringing misfortune to others.
When she got home, in front of her father, Chen Er was still submissive, taking whatever scolding and beating came her way. In front of Chen Huan, she was still the quiet but innocent younger sister.
Only Chen Er herself knew that her heart had long been eroded and surrounded by boundless darkness, and her mindset far exceeded that of her peers.
Because of his occasional madness, their father couldn't go out to work. And both Chen Er and Chen Huan were minors and not qualified to work.
Later, the neighbors of the Chen family couldn't bear to watch. They always warmly invited Chen Er to their home for meals. When she left, they would excuse themselves by saying that they had cooked too much food and it would go bad if not eaten in time, then let Chen Er take the food home.
Those days were filled with both pain and warmth. Although that family later moved away, it was said that the husband had a job transfer and the whole family moved to another place, the warmth from the strangers would always remain.
"Do you hate your father?" Jiang Cong knew about Chen Er's family situation, but he didn't know that as a child, she had endured so much unfairness and darkness in the world.
Chen Er shook her head, pursing her red lips. "I don't hate him. He's my father, always will be. No matter what happens, I will never resent my family. They are the only support for me to live in this world."
Jiang Cong was silent. The more precious and important something was, the harder it was to accept and the more painful and desperate one would be when losing it.
Chen Er clearly remembered that in primary school, the teacher required parents to attend the parent - teacher meeting. Before, it was always Chen Huan who attended on their father's behalf. Chen Huan was smart and well - behaved, the kind of student all teachers liked.
Chen Huan briefly explained in a few words why their father couldn't attend the parent - teacher meeting and why she was there instead.
"Student Chen Er is aloof. You should really care about her. Otherwise, it would be bad if she develops psychological problems." The old class - teacher said kindly.
Chen Huan nodded vigorously, indicating that she had remembered the teacher's words.
But Chen Er had completely closed her heart. No matter how hard Chen Huan tried to persuade her, Chen Er remained unmoved.
When Chen Huan entered junior high school, especially after her third - year, her schoolwork became heavier. No one attended Chen Er's parent - teacher meeting. The class - teacher also found Chen Er and gently told her, "Teacher understands your situation. If it's really not possible, your parents don't have to attend this parent - teacher meeting."
Chen Er lowered her head, her expression unreadable. She silently nodded and left the class - teacher's office.
When she got home, her father was surprisingly not drunk. He was lying dejectedly on the sofa, his face covered with stubble. Chen Er had seen photos of her father when he was young. He was handsome and cheerful. Standing with the young and beautiful mother, they looked like a perfect couple.
"Dad." Chen Er walked up to her father, clenching her small fists tightly under her sleeves. Since her father didn't care about her, Chen Er always wore the clothes that Chen Huan had worn when she was a child.